um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
