When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
