every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
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the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
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I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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