did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
