And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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