hotel room ftw
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
