Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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