I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
bring money and cleavage
she told me i tasted like america
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
