i may or may not be watching the land before time
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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