Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
