So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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