I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
