He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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