Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
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Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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