we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
