I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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