Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
What a dumb baby whore.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
