if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
