The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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