there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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