true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
