I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
