I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
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Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
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No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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