if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
pray to the hookup gods
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
