just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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