Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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