i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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