I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
