Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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