Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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