Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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