I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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