kristin has been a bad kristin
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
