He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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