You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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