I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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