It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
