I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
