I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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