i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
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