I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
They should really pass out barf bags in church
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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