accomplished twins. life is a go
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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