if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
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Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
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Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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