shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
