The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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