I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
