fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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