Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so that wasnt chicken after all
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
