Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
