Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
