Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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