WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
