Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
