god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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