We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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