I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
