Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Hippo gnu deer
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
